Who taught me to suck in my stomach,
or my cheeks?
Who told me to stand with my legs apart
and my hips thrust back
to create the illusion of a gap
between my thighs?
Who made me believe that the most beautiful part of me
is my negative space?
I spent my Valentine’s evening surrounded by charming princes, knights in shining armor, poets, zombies, and killer clowns*.
I think that tops your overpriced flowers and dinners in crowded restaurants.
*I was at the used bookstore.
10 Tips for a Black Thumb
You think: “How sweet! I want a handsome bearded man to do this for me!”
I think: “How sweet! I want a handsome bearded man to do this for me!… Hey, wait. Girl, don’t you know not to leave her purse in the cart? What if he was a creeper? He could have stolen her purse and left the rose as his calling card… Or what if he had a bouquet of flowers and was doing that thing where you put random items in people’s carts to see if they notice before they ring up?”